"You know you're an insomniac when,
sunglasses become daily attire,
your ceiling becomes more familiar every night,
and coffee is the elusive fifth food group..."
"...like you, the day is enough,
here's to the day!"
- Excerpts from Reflections, a collection of poetry from high school
"I have loved you as dark things are to be loved,
between the shadow and the soul" Pablo Neruda
And I've also loved you as bright things are to be loved,
distantly, deeply, persistently, achingly, longingly...
3.7.2004
"Love and Peace..." Vash the Stamped
3.4.2004
... So I cry somethimes when I'm lying in bed To get it all out what's in my head Then I start feeling a little peculiar So I wake in the morning and I step Outside I take deep breath I get real high Then I scream from the top of my lungs What's goin' on
So, I still think that everyone needs to email me a possible title for the song. ;-)
That's ok. Perhaps, it will be one of the great titless songs. I've given thought
to recording it and handing it out for Ayyam'i'Ha (Interculary Days)
Jon Fugitt and I had an excellent conversation today at Village in today. I'll have
to relate some ideas. He is a very interesting man with cognitive skills that are
amazing.
Interview with OCI today that went well, I also spent time and money at Barnes and
Nobels today. PI and Thomas. (explain latter, must finish homework and watch the
sun come up.
"that's all I wanted, a little sunshine and some tea..."
Which reminds me, I ran out of Earl Grey today. I'll have to make a stop at Whole
Earth.
Abiento
2.15.2004 11:46 PM
Lyrics to my gift to all of you who "brave" this webpage. Music soon!
2.15.2004
Having two passwords that you use tends to complicate logging in. For example
the password I use for this service is used nearly only here. Perhaps, a few other
forgotten places but it is difficult to use because it contains a "'" and most
services only allow letters and numbers.
Thoughts on equality today. Thoughts at all really. It would be eaiser if I could
just think an have my thoughts flow to the page, because once I sit down before a
keyboard, the thoughts stop.
Ah yes, now I remember. Ever notice how different everything looks when you approach
it from the morning instead of the afternoon? I woke up at 7:30 this morning an
after meditating on the past few days, got up, showered, and read until I fell
asleep again, this time on a small grey chair in the study room of our apartment.
I awoke an hour or so later with a cold, bum and realized that most of my butt was
hanging out the back of my pants! Today though, today I found myself looking at the world from the perspective
of someone who may have a clear perseption of reality. Unfortunetally, I don't have
myself to thank for that. Mostly, Mom. When we spoke this morning, it became clear
to me why I've felt tense and strange for the past few days. I hadn't been really
living. Rather, trying to fit into a previously percived notion of reality and when
I woke I found it to feel alot like a Cranberries song. Good, healthy, bittersweet...
"I at 24 was insecure..." --Wake up and Smell the Coffee
Another, good song for the moment would have been "Carry On" from the same album. Mom and I have alittle mantra before we hang up the phone,
MOM: I Love you
ME: I Love you too, mom.
MOM: I have a hug for you!
ME: I have a hug for you too.
Many conversations have terminated in this manner, since last sememster began. Perhaps,
it is the full realization that her children are not so little anymore. Perhaps...
Today, may have been my realization once again, that I'm working without a saftey net.
A full realization of life. And I breath in the air, watch the sun rise out the
window in the bathroom while I shower. Love, something that is truly inherent, when
I forget that I forget to live...
Rachel and I spoke today about how we are a products of our parents, and we have the
choice to improve upon the previous models. I've felt much like my father recently.
He is a wonderfully kind man who feels things very deeply. I remember him taking a ride
when he was upset. And I recall, the confusion on his face when he realized that what
was effecting him was small and his embarassment over the situation. Question like, why
do we do that? The simple answer may be a profound affinity for giving love with an
equaliy profound confusion with how to accept it. I love you dad.
I realize that these pages have become more about releasing and relating than conveying
information. But stories can relay information much more invaluble than what I ate
today(a green chili burger), or that I plucked my unibrow today after I finished cleaning
the odd ceiling in the bathroom which collects mold very quickly.
Today, I finished the conversation with
ME: I love you, Mom.
MOM: I love you too.
ME: I've got a hug for you!
MOM: I've got one too for you too! Hey, you beat me too it!
Basic, syopsis. Mornings are best when you wake to the realization that the best
thing you could do today is love. And that's really all I want to do with the rest of my
life, is love.
I fell in love with this prayer
a few days ago, during devotions at Rachel's.
2.12.2004
While in Sheridan over Christmas break, I met up with a wonderful man who I'd
met in Laramie the year before in Coal Creek Coffee. Paul Taylor, magnificent man, who
has devoted his life to serving humanity. Amazing, he has done work with in Aboriginal Australia
and currently he does work with Children in the US. I seem to remember him from my own childhood,
a man can to play the Didjeridoo when I was very young.
In Sheridan he played with one of my favorite local bands, the Fire Ants. They are a cajun band based
in Buffalo, Wyoming. Rachel and I learned to cajun line dance. Everyone was in evenly spaced lines
in the beginning and gradually they began to mix just a bit more until everyone seemed lost in the music and
movement. A night I'm fond of...
"It is that orb which sometimes hesitates to guide our nightly footsteps, Carving out our days and years in a way uninteresting to Gregorians, In darkness guiding our ascended loved to Lethe, Lit or carrying, here or absent our translucent thought..."
It reoccured to me today that my parents were married on what was considered to be the most
fertile day of the year, May 1st, a pagan holiday... now reinagurated as a seldom celebrated
basket and doorbell holiday. Interesting how these things happen.
2.1.2004 10:30 PM
--Future Love Paradise....
"Can I reach out for you if that feels good to me?"
This was the last song on Seal's set list from when he was in Denver... I remember that
Lacey was very intent on getting the set list for me. The very knowing and almost fluid
way which she beckoned to a stage hand. And then the almost gleeful way in which she
handed the heavily duct-taped piece of paper to me, little did she know that just the
thought of her wanting to go to a Seal concert with me was one of the greatest gifts
I could imagine.
How long ago was it anyway? When I turned on the radio randomly and heard two songs: a song from the
Cranberries album "Everyone Else Does it So Why Can't We?" and following "Kiss From a Rose." It must
have been the same year that "Batman Forever" was released. A good... Almost 8-9 years ago. Both Lacey
and I were fascinated by that song. I'd imagined a music video beginning with a chorous filled with
clones of Seal singing the first few bars ... Then as the first verse began a dark room slowly illuminating until
everything was a shade of grey. Grey sweat pants and a grey turtle neck or something ... Grey wood with a stream and somewhere
in the middle it begins to snow, but only because it's snowing outside the window, and the heater has turned on and suddenly I'm
wrapped up...
"There is so much a man can tell you so much he can say..."
More time, if only I could wrap everyone in that moment with me for at least ten minutes... Better yet we
could all take moments that mean so much to us an wrap eachother in them until something that looks either
like a figurative blanket gobule or quilt emmerges.
Watching people, when to watch, when to join in?
Perhaps in this there are two types of people. People who watch others to determine who and how they are and others who glean personality and
characteristics from conversation. Benifits to both, the former requires alot of time but if you get good you can sometimes get a
good feel for someone you know well with a glance which happens with the conversational type as well... But I digress, and sleep
would be...
"There's no reason for you to loose your mind, 'cause I've seen something that's going to change our time..."
1.29.2004 2:20 PM
Björk just got that much more cool and strange. Video Clips More later when I sort out what I just saw... Pagan Poetry, I Miss You and of
course who could miss the intricacies of All Is Full of Love?
"Ain't got no famous friends to talk about, just heart and soul... Let me roll"
Change, at the heart of everything, including many conversations. Change of seasons, change of heart, change from desolation to health...
Don't get me wrong, everything's cool here in my perspective of things. I'm finally getting "more time to see the best parts of you all..."
1.27.2003 1:219 PM
Here is a link to my schedule
for this semester, Mom.
1.27.2003 1:37 PM
"Woke up this morning, you were the first thing on my mind..."
As I finish email, and begin to give a little narative about the past few days.
Something else jumps into my mind and reminds of a quite a few days ago. The days of
the Fremont cash give-away or something like that. Anyway, Fremont Ford in Sheridan
had organized a lottery of sorts where you matched a VIN number they gave you with
the VIN number of another car and depending on how many numbers matched they would give you
a certain amount of money.
That was one of the activities that my parents had planned when Rachel and I drove up to
Sheridan so she could meet them. As I recall it was a big hit. Rachel loved it, my parents had
a good time. And if I remember correctly, my grandfather was the official VIN number validator,
or something like that. Perhaps, he just had a good eye and memory for numbers and was able to go
through about two times more cars at once than we could.
I learned a new Persian word this weekend from a wonderful man named Firouz, which incidentally means
"victorious." The word is encha-allah which means "God willing." It has over time become a contraction of
sorts and now most people that use the word say, "enchallah" (en-sha-la, perhaps a good way to practice it).
Kelly, you will be pleased to note that I'm mentioning you. ;-) There are quite a few stories to tell with
Kelly in them as well. Hmm, ah... the last time I saw Kelly, we were working on our computers together compliing
music (which I need to finish putting on to CD's). The story goes that Kelly had four CD's that were scratched
beyond his computer's ablility to read, so we tryed to copy them on my computer which worked and the original
plan was to put them as MP3's on to a CD for him to copy later. The shortened version is that we didn't quite
get done. But we did listen to an interesting artist called ATB, André Tanneberger, who has remix music for Sarah Brightman, performed
with Heather Nova, and covered "Killer" by Seal which is known as Killer 2001 on the album we were listening to.
"It's the loneliness that's the killer...solitary sister..."
It's good, but in my mind very little compares with Seal. Why rate music anyway? It may be just as
attempting to give a grade based upon the beauty of artwork...
Lacey and I have been studying Physics together. After watching Professor
Torry teach class last night, I've realized that teaching a concept is
more
an art of asking the proper leading questions. One can explain all he or
she wants but until the student is able to make the concept his or her
own.
They will never fully understand. Watching understanding drift across
Lacey's face was... very good
The concept of teaching and learning has be something I've thought alot about this
past weekend. Kit told me once that there is a saying in Puero Rico, "He who does not
learn through love learns through pain." In a sense, all that I've learned that I've learned
well has been very dificult and much of this weekend was not an exception to that. But now, having learned
much about myself and the world around me, Rachel is an excellent teaching partner, I'm exhilarated and ready to do it all over again.
Enchallah, Peace and Love...
1.14.2004 7:01 PM
Drove through the drive thru at Taco John's yesterday to get my mom some
study food and dinner...
Crunch of small ice gobules,
Shattering into shards of melting bliss
as fog rolls from mug,
Reverberating breath as sublimating, sliding
Beginning once again...
1.14.2004 2:22 AM (Palindrome Moment)
Introspection time. Perhaps. You know, moment has to be one of the
most complicated words to sing. Particualarly with a midwestern accent
which tends to leave off part of the t sound at the end of the word. The
sound that comes out of my mouth all ways seems right until I get to the
t. The lead singer for Five For Fighting pulls off moment precisely so
there is little question as to what the word is with an amazing valsetto.
Amazing because of it's imperfection a rich scratchy contrast with the notes
in his pure normal range. A perfect moment, at the computer, music, I could
almost look out my window and see lilacs bluming and green everywhere.
"I'm 15 for a moment... Caught in between 10 and 20..."
I love the way feelings, smells, and life get caught up in music. Five for
Fighting was a big part of the "encoding" of life two summers ago. Amazing,
but that summer was one of the happiest of my life. Full of early mornings at
McDonalds, waiting in front to be let in, surging with contentment at those
first few moments when I could listen to music and rub my hands together and
stick them under my legs to warm them... bliss. Then the hour and a half
where time would fly in preparation and watching the familar faces of the
regulars who waved as I prepared countless Sausage Egg McMuffins. And the smell
of bacon! It should be wrong for something that unhealthy to smell that good.
Then everything a blur until change over from breakfast to lunch where the
worn out breakfast people were typically shunted to side two on the prep
table to make way for the lunch people on side one. Soon, freedom, home, shower,
and email were just a short distance away and I'd spend an hour or so afterward
checking email and getting excited about email from Rachel or listening the classic
summer of 2002 mix which included Elton John's "This Train Don't Stop There Anymore"
or other's like Jo Dee Mesina's "Bring on the Rain", "Sunglasses at Night", Peter Salett's "Heart of Mine",
"Summer in the City", of course "It's not Easy", and of course how could I forget "What Would Happen if We Kissed"
which I downloaded after hearing it was Meridith Brooks other good song. Many others... But music in itself
would be a narrative within a narrative. Sometimes Mom would stop doing laundry to listen to music and talk
for a bit and I would tell her all about future plans, college stories, the bit of life I'd learned about from Rachel, Mom's life
and her plans, and what other wonderful thing was happening. Pocket PC's for example were of interest and around
that time, I discovered the Toshiba pocket pc that I eventually bought and then gave to Kit because he needed an
organizer more that I used it. ;-) And usually, I would wander back out of my room to help mom with laundry, one of
my favorite things. Folding towels and talking to mom. It was a ritual that started when I was very young. Watching
mom fold clothes and pick up a shirt of my own and attempting the same thing. Within the past few years, I've perfected
her method for folding shirts, but I must have been about 16 when I found out that after we'd finished with
laundry mom would often sneak back downstairs and refold everthing that I'd done, but she never complained. Amazing woman,
I love my mom.
Because it is the proper moment, and she is on my mind. I remember some of the best advice mom ever gave me. While folding a
towel (I think mom liked me to fold towels because they were the only thing I did fold properly ;) I spoke of Rachel and my
interest in Rachel and my simultanous uncertainty about what to do about that interest. Some of my impluses were telling me
to be wary of that interest, some of them were ready to plunge into the situation with exuberance, and others wanted to take
time to access the situation. This may sound strange but at the time, I was taking time to embrace life in the wake of one of the
most tumulous years of my life: going away to college, getting engaged, getting unengaged, reconnecting with my family, working through
the prospect of a debilitating disease, embracing life with a passion I haven't known in years after learning I had a clean bill of health.
Very interesting two weeks, planning two very divergent futures. And cementing firmly in my mind the importance of chastity. So understandably, I felt that my path was one of one of uncompromising movement and change with little room for serious commitment to
a potentially long term relationship. (suddenly, I'm off with the pseudo-intellectual language). After, hearning what I had to
say about the matter, mom's advice was simply to continue to correspond and let life and time take there course. So, I did. Wonderful
correspondance. I should take her advice more often. ;-)
Sinatra mornings, singing in the back of McDonald's, "Under my Skin"...
"I Get a Kick out of You," etc. Working with Lacey and Molly in the moderatly wee hourse of the morning.
Sitting with Molly in the crew room and learning that strawberry jelly and cream cheese make an excellent
spread on the McDonald's bagels which like everything taste a bit more like sugar than they should. Rachel and I worked a similar shift
if I'm not mistaken, only she worked until something like 10 or 11 with coffee in the back of the room early in the morning to keep her
going because she's about as much a morning person as I am, less so in fact. She worked breakfast for a hotel in Longmont, I can't remember
the name but I do remember what the building looks like. Now, knowing the habits of her circle of friends it's amusing to think of her
working that early in the morning because everyone tends to call around 5 or 6 to begin talking about what to do the rest of the evening.
And being an insomniac.
After eating up the only Harry Potter books availible at the time, I had a clear
image of what I wanted in life and that image was probably what made the summer so great because it is rare that I know exactly what I
want out of the future. And I found part of it in the description of the Weasley household. Of course I'm hoping for a bit more income
yet the history, sense of family, and warm nature of the place appealed greatly when viewed from the cold dead winter of Laramie I'd just
come from. Over time, I've expanded on that a bit, I still want to "plant roots" as they say and watch a family grow. But in the back of
my mind, I feel a nagging. Time perhaps, telling me that now is not the proper time and I must progress through something first. I can walk
through wal-mart and see people I knew in High School who have the family complete with 2.5 kids and a morgage. The part of me that gets excited
whenever Kit talks about his plans for his children is very happy. Another part of me asks, and then what? What have you[myself] experienced that you
can supplement your children's life with? What have you done know while you still can? And now what will you do?
Everything is a process... And a sense of restlessness is always present when the process is pushed to accelerate.
Which brings me to today. My dreams have been very restless recently. Full of
images and memories that are only familiar in the world of dreams. Which makes
me wonder if they were created on the spot or if people have dream memories
which have no substance while awake. Perhaps, they are restless because I've
begun to seriously plan out the next few months. Of course these plans are
full or the forks that arise from what if speculations and assumptions about the
future. Some of these forks are big ones, and I fall back to the standard mantra
"If I can see past it, it's ok." Interestingly, enough the only big variant in the
future is location and that is dependant upon work, internships. I'm hoping, I'll
land something with Microsoft so I can spend the summer on the west coast. Visiting
the ocean, see the bridge accross Puget Sound (I love bridges). Be immersed
in life and a culture apart from the one I've seen. Microsoft sounds kinda incidental
doesn't it? ;-)
I'm 1--5 for a moment,
Caught in betwe--en 10 and 20,
And I'm just dream--ing,
Counting the ways to where you are...
Time for translation...and more dreams.
Ok, perhaps one more story inspired by a song I found while putting together
a playlist, "Your Love is Better than Ice Cream." The setting is my dorm room
in McIntyre my second year, first semester of college. The characters, two of
my favorite people, Rachel and Kit. We were both hanging about and talking while
listening to a playlist I'd put together, I believe classics from the summer, and
others such at Better than Ice Cream, "Let's Get it On,": two versions the original
Marvin Gaye sensation and the Tenacious D rendition which was also good. Probably,
some VNV Nation because Kit was very, very into that group at the time. I'll have
to look into that specific folder of time later. The song "Your Love is Better than
Ice Cream" was and still is a personal favorite probably because it contains the
same feeling as the "Ambigious Woman" dream. A
